In which Gerry Hayes welcomes you to his column about stuff he doesn’t like. Well, I say 'welcome'... [scroll down for the archive]
I love films. I love films that make me make me laugh, films that frighten me, films that make me cry. I love films that do these things intentionally. I also love many films that accomplish these things unintentionally - ‘so bad it’s good’ may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason. I love really good films and I love those few films that have reached a particular point in the badness spectrum that they’ve become enjoyable again.
But then there are the others.
The films that make me wince (and worse, the ones that make me use the word ‘wince’). The films that make my face sore from scowling and grimacing. The ones where my wife elbows me repeatedly and tells me to stop sighing, laughing inappropriately or muttering under my breath. The ones where even my arse was angry at the end.
That’s what this column is about.
Let’s get something straight right off the bat. For ‘bad films’ you should feel perfectly free to read ‘films that I don’t like’. I make no bones about it and feel, rather arrogantly you might think, that if I don’t like it, it is bad. If your favourite film turns up here and you feel affronted in some way, you should write a strongly-worded email and send it to supertoppriorityrebuttal@nevergonnareadit.com and I’ll get right on it. Or you could try watching it again with scale-free eyes and realise, ‘dear god, he’s right - it is dross - what a gift I’ve been given’. Either way’s OK with me.
Hmmm... Am I losing them? Perhaps a quote will get them back on side.
I think it was Tyne Daly who once said: “A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded.”
Darn tootin’.
I Sat Through That?
#1 - Hostel (2006)
#2 - The X Files: I Want to Believe (2008)
#3 - I, Robot (2004)
#4 - Meet The Parents (2000)
#5 - Castaway (2000)
#6 - Planet of the Apes (2001)
#7 - Unbreakable (2000)
#8 - M. Night Shyamalan
#9 - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
#10 - The Break Up (2006)
#11 - Deep Impact (1998)
#12 - 88 Minutes (2007)
#13 - Mission: Impossible II (2000)
#14 - Quantum Of Solace (2008)
#15 - The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
#16 - Hannibal Rising (2007)
#17 - X-Men (I, II and III)
#18 - Hot Fuzz (2007)
#19 - King Kong (2005)
#20 - Six Minutes of Runaway Bride
#21 - The Transporter (2002)
#22 - Alexander (2004)
#23 - Christmas Countdown
Gerry Hayes is a garret-dwelling writer subsisting on tea, beer and Flame-Grilled Steak flavour McCoy’s crisps. You can read about other stuff he doesn't like on his blog at http://stareintospace.com or you can have easy, bite-sized bits of him at http://twitter.com/gerryhayes
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I Sat Through That? #23 - Christmas Countdown
In which Gerry Hayes makes Bob Cratchett type up his latest filmy polemic while he amuses himself kicking Tiny Tim’s crutch from under him. Filthy urchin.
Something a little different this week. Given it’s the season to be jolly and all, I’ve decided I could be considerably more jolly by not doing much work for this. Instead, I’m going to sit back and get into practice for the Christmas period by drinking lots of beer and shouting at my family.
In the place of my usual, well-considered, studiously-researched and carefully crafted criticism of a film I had the misfortune of sitting through, I am instead going to share my top six Christmas films that I will never, never watch based solely on the cover of the DVD.
I know what you’re thinking - this is just a way of filling a column in the easiest possible way, thinly veiled as a seasonal top-ten, er... six. Yes, six. I know it’s arbitrary - I’m unpredictable. It’s one of my many charms.
The thing is, I can get away with this sort of thing as, let’s face it, I’m not really providing a service here, am I? I just turn up and whinge and complain about films in the hope of inspiring some sort of amused empathy or - preferably - abject rage in my readers.
So then, come and humorously empathise or get angry as we count down...
Gerry’s Great Big Christmas Top Six Films That He’ll Never Watch Based On Their DVD Covers (And Maybe The Actors In Them) Of The Year 2009 List.
Number 6: Surviving Christmas
Haaaaaaaaaaaa! Look at the cover! Haaaaaaa! It’s hysterical. Look at how funny it is. Look. It’s a big Christmas present. Haaaaaa! And it’s flattened that bloke - probably Ben Affleck (or more probably, his stunt-feet). Oh Christ, my sides, my sides! Call a surgeon to sew up my sides before my crap-filled intestines plop out onto the floor and leave me writhing in deliciously hilarious agony as I contemplate the big present flattening Maybe-Ben. Haaaaaaa!
Number 5: Jingle All The Way
How can I not have seen this? Consider yourselves thanked, you lucky, lucky stars. The cover tells you all you need to know. Arnold will blunder about with an utter dearth of comedic talent and will attempt to compensate by gurning and grunting while getting into ‘predicaments’. Also, Hayes’ Law #235 states that any film that puts the quotes “NON-STOP FUN” on its DVD cover will prove that the word ‘STOP’ is superfluous.
Number 4: Fred Claus
Remember when Vince Vaughn was in Swingers? That was good, wasn’t it? If I were you, I’d just go watch that.
Remember when Paul Giamatti was in Sideways? That was good, wasn’t it? If I were you - well, you know.
Number 3: A Christmas Story
GAH! What the...! Why film a heart-warming Christmas story in the Village Of The Damned. Sure, that kid might have an all-American haircut and the sort of glasses that get him beaten-up every time he leaves the house but look at the eyes. Look at the evil. What demonic force lurks behind those eyes? Not getting this one as it looks too damn creepy.
Number 2: Christmas With The Kranks
Well, it’s got an awful, awful, title. And, it’s got that dreadful ‘No, ho, ho’ tag line. It’s got Jamie Lee Curtis attempting to look all wholesome and decent but we all just remember when she got her boobies out in Trading Places. It’s got a bloke hanging upside-down, wrapped comically in Christmas lights on the cover. It’s got an annoying premise: couple forced to ‘celebrate’ Christmas by their neighbours (who obviously need to be shouted and sworn at). As well as all of these things, it suffers from having Tim Allen. Allen, the Christmas-Movie-Guy. Allen, the charmless, gormless and annoying Christmas moron. Oh, no you don’t, Tim Allen; get thee behind me.
Number 1: Love Actually
Top of the heap or bottom of the barrel - whatever way you want to look at it - Love Actually. Even the title makes me wince disgustedly. The only thing, known to humankind, more mawkishly saccharine and nauseatingly sentimental than a Richard Curtis rom-com is a Richard Curtis rom-com set at Christmas. Even the DVD box has a red ribbon, prettily tying up the usual, Curtis suspects. Get ready to board the slow-moving roller-coaster for a cloying ride through some sort of mushy slush made from the tears of cheese. Just thinking about Love Actually makes me want to vomit my liver up before writing “Richard Curtis is Satan” on the wall with my own bile.
Hmmm. Looks like egg-nog.
Read more I Sat Through That? right here.
Gerry Hayes is a garret-dwelling writer subsisting on tea, beer and Flame-Grilled Steak flavour McCoy’s crisps. You can read about other stuff he doesn't like on his blog at http://stareintospace.com or you can have easy, bite-sized bits of him at http://twitter.com/gerryhayes
Something a little different this week. Given it’s the season to be jolly and all, I’ve decided I could be considerably more jolly by not doing much work for this. Instead, I’m going to sit back and get into practice for the Christmas period by drinking lots of beer and shouting at my family.
In the place of my usual, well-considered, studiously-researched and carefully crafted criticism of a film I had the misfortune of sitting through, I am instead going to share my top six Christmas films that I will never, never watch based solely on the cover of the DVD.
I know what you’re thinking - this is just a way of filling a column in the easiest possible way, thinly veiled as a seasonal top-ten, er... six. Yes, six. I know it’s arbitrary - I’m unpredictable. It’s one of my many charms.
The thing is, I can get away with this sort of thing as, let’s face it, I’m not really providing a service here, am I? I just turn up and whinge and complain about films in the hope of inspiring some sort of amused empathy or - preferably - abject rage in my readers.
So then, come and humorously empathise or get angry as we count down...
Gerry’s Great Big Christmas Top Six Films That He’ll Never Watch Based On Their DVD Covers (And Maybe The Actors In Them) Of The Year 2009 List.
Number 6: Surviving ChristmasHaaaaaaaaaaaa! Look at the cover! Haaaaaaa! It’s hysterical. Look at how funny it is. Look. It’s a big Christmas present. Haaaaaa! And it’s flattened that bloke - probably Ben Affleck (or more probably, his stunt-feet). Oh Christ, my sides, my sides! Call a surgeon to sew up my sides before my crap-filled intestines plop out onto the floor and leave me writhing in deliciously hilarious agony as I contemplate the big present flattening Maybe-Ben. Haaaaaaa!
Number 5: Jingle All The WayHow can I not have seen this? Consider yourselves thanked, you lucky, lucky stars. The cover tells you all you need to know. Arnold will blunder about with an utter dearth of comedic talent and will attempt to compensate by gurning and grunting while getting into ‘predicaments’. Also, Hayes’ Law #235 states that any film that puts the quotes “NON-STOP FUN” on its DVD cover will prove that the word ‘STOP’ is superfluous.
Number 4: Fred ClausRemember when Vince Vaughn was in Swingers? That was good, wasn’t it? If I were you, I’d just go watch that.
Remember when Paul Giamatti was in Sideways? That was good, wasn’t it? If I were you - well, you know.
Number 3: A Christmas StoryGAH! What the...! Why film a heart-warming Christmas story in the Village Of The Damned. Sure, that kid might have an all-American haircut and the sort of glasses that get him beaten-up every time he leaves the house but look at the eyes. Look at the evil. What demonic force lurks behind those eyes? Not getting this one as it looks too damn creepy.
Number 2: Christmas With The KranksWell, it’s got an awful, awful, title. And, it’s got that dreadful ‘No, ho, ho’ tag line. It’s got Jamie Lee Curtis attempting to look all wholesome and decent but we all just remember when she got her boobies out in Trading Places. It’s got a bloke hanging upside-down, wrapped comically in Christmas lights on the cover. It’s got an annoying premise: couple forced to ‘celebrate’ Christmas by their neighbours (who obviously need to be shouted and sworn at). As well as all of these things, it suffers from having Tim Allen. Allen, the Christmas-Movie-Guy. Allen, the charmless, gormless and annoying Christmas moron. Oh, no you don’t, Tim Allen; get thee behind me.
Number 1: Love ActuallyTop of the heap or bottom of the barrel - whatever way you want to look at it - Love Actually. Even the title makes me wince disgustedly. The only thing, known to humankind, more mawkishly saccharine and nauseatingly sentimental than a Richard Curtis rom-com is a Richard Curtis rom-com set at Christmas. Even the DVD box has a red ribbon, prettily tying up the usual, Curtis suspects. Get ready to board the slow-moving roller-coaster for a cloying ride through some sort of mushy slush made from the tears of cheese. Just thinking about Love Actually makes me want to vomit my liver up before writing “Richard Curtis is Satan” on the wall with my own bile.
Hmmm. Looks like egg-nog.
Read more I Sat Through That? right here.
Gerry Hayes is a garret-dwelling writer subsisting on tea, beer and Flame-Grilled Steak flavour McCoy’s crisps. You can read about other stuff he doesn't like on his blog at http://stareintospace.com or you can have easy, bite-sized bits of him at http://twitter.com/gerryhayes
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Movies... For Free! Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
"Movies... For Free!", showcasing classic movies that have fallen out of copyright and are available freely from the public domain (with streaming video!)...
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, 1964.
Directed by Nicholas Webster.
Starring John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck and Bill McCutcheon.
With the residents of Mars concerned by their childrens' exposure to Earth television, they consult an ancient and wise Martian who suggests the younger generations are suffering from the rigid Martian society and a lack of freedom and fun. To solve this dilema they decide to kidnap Santa Claus (Call) - along with two Earth children - who then builds a factory to create toys for the young Martians (including Golden Globe winning actress and singer Pia Zadora). However, warmongering villain Voldar (Beck) is firmly against the idea and soon sets out to sabotage the factory and kill Santa.
Regularly appearing on lists of the worst movies ever produced (and currently standing at #77 on the IMDB Bottom 100), Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a laughably poor entry into the cinematic Christmas canon. It gained further notoriety and exposure when it featured as the basis for a 1991 episode of the comedy series Mystery Science Theater 3000 (along with MST3K live off-shoot Cinematic Titanic in November 2008), while also spawning a handful of musical adaptations and a long-rumoured remake from Airplane! director David Zucker, which currently sits in Development Hell.
Embed courtesy of Internet Archive.
Click here to view all entries in our Movies... For Free! collection.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, 1964.
Directed by Nicholas Webster.
Starring John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck and Bill McCutcheon.
With the residents of Mars concerned by their childrens' exposure to Earth television, they consult an ancient and wise Martian who suggests the younger generations are suffering from the rigid Martian society and a lack of freedom and fun. To solve this dilema they decide to kidnap Santa Claus (Call) - along with two Earth children - who then builds a factory to create toys for the young Martians (including Golden Globe winning actress and singer Pia Zadora). However, warmongering villain Voldar (Beck) is firmly against the idea and soon sets out to sabotage the factory and kill Santa.
Regularly appearing on lists of the worst movies ever produced (and currently standing at #77 on the IMDB Bottom 100), Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a laughably poor entry into the cinematic Christmas canon. It gained further notoriety and exposure when it featured as the basis for a 1991 episode of the comedy series Mystery Science Theater 3000 (along with MST3K live off-shoot Cinematic Titanic in November 2008), while also spawning a handful of musical adaptations and a long-rumoured remake from Airplane! director David Zucker, which currently sits in Development Hell.
Embed courtesy of Internet Archive.
Click here to view all entries in our Movies... For Free! collection.
R.I.P. Dan O'Bannon (1946 - 2009)
Alien writer passes away aged 63... Hollywood screenwriter Dan O'Bannon has died yesterday 17th December in Los Angeles after a short illness. A former USC graduate alongside director John Carpenter, the pair collaborated on Carpenter's 1974 debut Dark Star (with O'Bannon co-writing, editing, working on the visual effects and production design, and appearing on screen) before a short stint as a computer animator on Star Wars.
O'Bannon achieved his greatest success in 1979 contributing the screenplay for Ridley Scott's sci-fi horror classic Alien (1979) alongside Ronald Shusett, with the pair later reteaming to adapt the Philip K. Dick story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale" for Paul Verhoeven's 1990 actioner Total Recall. O'Bannon's other writing credits include two segments of the animated feature Heavy Metal (1981), 'video nasty' Dead & Buried (1981), Lifeforce (1985), and another Philip K. Dick adaptation, Screamers (1995), while he also handled directorial duties on Return of the Living Dead (1985) and The Resurrected (1992).
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Alice in Wonderland - new trailer and images
A new trailer from director Tim Burton's upcoming 3D fantasy Alice in Wonderland has hit the net, along with a couple of images featuring The Red Queen (Burton's missus and regular, Helena Bonham Carter), and Tweedledum and Tweedledee (Little Britain's Matt Lucas) escorting Alice (Mia Wasikowska) through a mushroom forest.
The film is the first effort under Burton's deal with Walt Disney Pictures to produce two Disney Digital 3-D releases, and combines motion capture technology with live action to recreate Lewis Carroll's bizarre world. Joining the cast are Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway and Crispin Glover, while others to add their vocal talents include Stephen Fry, Michael Sheen and Christopher Lee.
Alice in Wonderland is set for release on March 5th, 2010.
The film is the first effort under Burton's deal with Walt Disney Pictures to produce two Disney Digital 3-D releases, and combines motion capture technology with live action to recreate Lewis Carroll's bizarre world. Joining the cast are Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway and Crispin Glover, while others to add their vocal talents include Stephen Fry, Michael Sheen and Christopher Lee.
Alice in Wonderland is set for release on March 5th, 2010.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
UK Box Office Top Ten - weekend commencing 11/12/09
UK box office top ten and analysis for the weekend of Friday 11th - Sunday 13th December 2009.
Six weeks into release Robert Zemeckis’ animated take on the Charles Dickens’ literary classic A Christmas Carol returns to the peak of the UK box-office chart, going from flop (sorta) to top with over £16m in total receipts since first hitting our screens. Disney must be very pleased with the legs shown by their festive entry, which has already beaten out the total run of motion-capture predecessors Polar Express (£12m) and Beowulf (£7.4m), although the film is bound to lose the majority of 3D screens when Avatar is released this week.
Settling for second place is new release Where the Wild Things Are from director Spike Jonze, which opens with a rather disappointing £883,990 despite showing on the most screens of any film in the chart, while another family flick makes the top three with animation Planet 51 climbing from fourth last week. Less fortunate is last week’s number one movie Paranormal Activity, dropping three to place fourth ahead of The Twilight Saga: New Moon, which passes the £25m mark overall with a weekend take of £750k and rounds out the top five.
In the bottom half of the chart yuletide comedy Nativity! continues to enjoy solid takings and climbs one spot to sixth while Law Abiding Citizen and 2012 both fall two to finish seventh and eighth respectively. Also suffering a descent (but not as steep as The Descent: Part 2, which vacates the top ten) is Richard Kelly’s third feature The Box in ninth, while Coen brothers comedy A Serious Man retains its position at the foot of the chart for the third week in a row.
Incoming...
Thursday sees the long-awaited arrival of James Cameron’s 3D epic Avatar, while daring to stand against this behemoth is St Trinian’s 2: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold. Hard to predict the winner there, then.
U.K. Box Office Archive
Six weeks into release Robert Zemeckis’ animated take on the Charles Dickens’ literary classic A Christmas Carol returns to the peak of the UK box-office chart, going from flop (sorta) to top with over £16m in total receipts since first hitting our screens. Disney must be very pleased with the legs shown by their festive entry, which has already beaten out the total run of motion-capture predecessors Polar Express (£12m) and Beowulf (£7.4m), although the film is bound to lose the majority of 3D screens when Avatar is released this week. Settling for second place is new release Where the Wild Things Are from director Spike Jonze, which opens with a rather disappointing £883,990 despite showing on the most screens of any film in the chart, while another family flick makes the top three with animation Planet 51 climbing from fourth last week. Less fortunate is last week’s number one movie Paranormal Activity, dropping three to place fourth ahead of The Twilight Saga: New Moon, which passes the £25m mark overall with a weekend take of £750k and rounds out the top five.
In the bottom half of the chart yuletide comedy Nativity! continues to enjoy solid takings and climbs one spot to sixth while Law Abiding Citizen and 2012 both fall two to finish seventh and eighth respectively. Also suffering a descent (but not as steep as The Descent: Part 2, which vacates the top ten) is Richard Kelly’s third feature The Box in ninth, while Coen brothers comedy A Serious Man retains its position at the foot of the chart for the third week in a row.
| Pos. | Film | Weekend Gross | Week | Total UK Gross |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | A Christmas Carol | £1,544,226 | 6 | £16,030,083 |
| 2 | Where the Wild Things Are | £883,990 | 1 | £883,990 |
| 3 | Planet 51 | £764,742 | 2 | £2,537,718 |
| 4 | Paranormal Activity | £758,704 | 3 | £8,703,396 |
| 5 | The Twilight Saga: New Moon | £750,227 | 3 | £25,004,680 |
| 6 | Nativity! | £667,663 | 3 | £2,676,614 |
| 7 | Law Abiding Citizen | £604,873 | 4 | £4,731,175 |
| 8 | 2012 | £471,856 | 3 | £18,674,864 |
| 9 | The Box | £249,707 | 2 | £1,011,735 |
| 10 | A Serious Man | £139,778 | 4 | £1,335,999 |
Incoming...
Thursday sees the long-awaited arrival of James Cameron’s 3D epic Avatar, while daring to stand against this behemoth is St Trinian’s 2: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold. Hard to predict the winner there, then.
U.K. Box Office Archive
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tony Kaye talks future filmmaking plans
American History X director discusses two new feature projects...
Controversial British director Tony Kaye has delivered an insight into his upcoming film slate while taking part in a Design Inspiration event to promote the Nissan Cube, stating that he has two new projects lined up for 2010 entitled Steps and Zero Point.
Kaye of course is known for his confrontation with New Line Cinema over debut feature American History X in 1998, which included a $275m lawsuit against the studio and efforts by Kaye to have his name withdrawn in favour of 'Humpty Dumpty'. Since that time he's directed the self-financed abortion documentary Lake of Fire (along with the Dani California video for the Red Hot Chili Peppers) and is busy putting the finishing touches on crime drama Black Water Transit starring Laurence Fishburne and Karl Urban.
See what he has to say:
You can also head over to Borkowski Blogs where they've been running a feature entitled "A Day in the Life of Tony Kaye", including lots more video and images from the promotional event.
Controversial British director Tony Kaye has delivered an insight into his upcoming film slate while taking part in a Design Inspiration event to promote the Nissan Cube, stating that he has two new projects lined up for 2010 entitled Steps and Zero Point.
Kaye of course is known for his confrontation with New Line Cinema over debut feature American History X in 1998, which included a $275m lawsuit against the studio and efforts by Kaye to have his name withdrawn in favour of 'Humpty Dumpty'. Since that time he's directed the self-financed abortion documentary Lake of Fire (along with the Dani California video for the Red Hot Chili Peppers) and is busy putting the finishing touches on crime drama Black Water Transit starring Laurence Fishburne and Karl Urban.
See what he has to say:
You can also head over to Borkowski Blogs where they've been running a feature entitled "A Day in the Life of Tony Kaye", including lots more video and images from the promotional event.
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