I, Robot, 2004.
Directed by Alex Proyas.
Starring Will Smith, Bridget Moynahan and that squidgy bloke from Firefly as a shiny robot.
Written by Jeff Vintar and Akiva Goldsman and, definitely not, Isaac Asimov.
I wonder if there’s any chance of getting free stuff if I do some product placement of my own. I really like my new Porsche 911. It is supremely engineered and an utter joy to drive. Good mileage too. Hello? Porsche? Come on, I couldn’t write about I, Robot and not mention the face-slappingly blatant product placement. It’s incredibly intrusive and I feel it mars what is an, otherwise, magnificent film. Nah, just kidding - it’s rubbish.
Smith plays Detective Del Spooner, a cop with a dark, dark secret that haunts his nightmares and gives him a distrust of anything more technical than a CD player. Pity him then, for he lives in 2035 and the place is overrun with robots. Robot delivery-guys, robot-chefs, robot bartenders, robot hookers.
“Wait,” I hear you call, “what if the robots go mental and start killing people?” Splendid question, but one that’s taken care of by ‘The Three Laws’.
- A robot cannot harm a human or do bad stuff.
- A robot must obey a human unless it’s really kinky.
- I think it was something about pizza.
Undaunted, Spooner continues to investigate the scientists death. He gets set upon by a demolition-bot (where he has his save-the-cat moment even though the ungrateful moggy scarpers when Spooner falls down the stairs) and is attacked in a tunnel by a squadron of robots. What a mess. Why, it’s enough to get him taken off the case.
But, damn, he’s tenacious. Enlisting the help of beautiful, but cold, cliché, I mean, robot psychologist, Susan Calvin, they discover that their robo-perp, who likes to be called ‘Sonny’, is actually a new super-robot with dreams of being some sort of robot cult-leader. He was built by the dead scientist to have secrets that would act as clues for Spooner. Personally, if the guy was able to build clues into a super-robot, I reckon he would probably have been able to pop a letter to Spooner in the post but, there you go.
It’s all been a big plot, you see. The robots are going to enslave the human race for some reason - I wasn’t really paying attention by this stage. Spooner, Sonny, and their beautiful, but cold, lady friend need to save humanity by destroying a giant computer brain in a Death Star-like room just crammed full of health and safety violations.
So humanity’s saved and they’ve all grown in some way. Beautiful, but cold, Calvin is a little less cold and a little hot for Spooner. Spooner is a little less wary of robots and Sonny becomes Robot-Jesus. The end.
Before finishing though, I’d like to list the things I liked in this film:
- I like all of the abandoned robots in the shipping containers because they make me think of Bender's My Broken Friend song.
- Stevie Wonder’s Superstition
- Nothing else.
Read more I Sat Through That? right here.
Gerry Hayes is a garret-dwelling writer subsisting on tea, beer and Flame-Grilled Steak flavour McCoy’s crisps. You can read about other stuff he doesn't like on his blog at http://stareintospace.com or you can have easy, bite-sized bits of him at http://twitter.com/gerryhayes
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