LONDON BOULEVARD
Colin Farrell plays an ex-con who gets the job of taking care of actress Keira Knightley. Featuring Ray Winstone as Farrell’s old boss, it’s a drama-thriller of the usual sort. Even if this story might not be as predictable as I fear, it still looks rubbish. Plain and simple. Here’s a step-by-step look at whatever this is.
The plot is instantly established: bad guy gone good wants to make amends for previous mistakes. First atrocity: Colin Farrell’s dreadful attempt at a cockney accent. He is so unnatural it makes my ears bleed.
Now look at Keira Knightley. Frail as a heroin addict (or someone attempting the dreadful heroin chic look), hiding behind the curtain that is her hair, arms crossed like a sulking child. And David Thewlis in the corner, for some reason?
Farrell accepts the gig (to an ingenious –read: boring - cutaway of him throwing some dude down the stairs). Enter Ray Winstone, the only good thing about the film so far (seriously, check out his outfit. It’s marvellous). He wants to kill Farrell, who once betrayed him. The plot thickens!
Second atrocity: "- If I fell in love with you, what would you do about it? - Everything."
Colin Farrell, shut up. Don’t bother. This script is beyond saveable. Written by the screenwriter of The Departed and Edge of Darkness? Well, that explains a lot. This is getting beyond ridiculous. Soggy, cheesy, damp. I refuse to watch more. But I have to finish reviewing this piece of junk, so I must continue.
So Ray Winstone kills some guy in front of Farrell, so now he cannot get out of Winstone’s claws. Mwahaha! Cue “London Calling” by The Clash. There are no words. Well, one word: sacrilege. At this point in the trailer, we insert (drum-roll please) a montage!
End on sharp line delivered by Farrell, threatening Winstone. Erm, excuse me, who are you to threaten Ray Winstone? If you’re not Chuck Norris, you can buzz off, pal.
Go watch it, I don’t care. I have lost my faith in the British film industry (for now).
UK release date: 26 November 2010
CONVICTION
This is not exactly a new trailer, and I apologise. I watched it a few months ago and did not think much of it. Now though, on second viewing, I think it could be a solid piece of drama.
Unlike a lot of people I know, I don’t have such a big problem with adaptations of true stories. Yes, they get twisted, they can be boring, patronising and take themselves too seriously, but they are – in essence – quite entertaining. They rarely own a wow-factor: my jaw has stopped dropping at all these ‘incredible’ stories portrayed by Hollywood stars. I still think it is interesting, particularly with a story like this one (man – Sam Rockwell - gets done for murder he apparently did not commit, his sister – Hilary Swank – fights for him). These sorts of stories are fundamentally what screenwriting is about: telling stories we can relate to and/or learn from.
It is your typical trailer set-up, with the occasional cut back and forth in linear time. The problem with the trailer is the voice over. It is a bizarre melange of the Hallmark channel, made-for-TV-or-straight-to-DVD-movie and “one-man-one-opportunity” 80s action movie V.O., that I had to rewind to make sure I was still watching the right trailer. It is preposterous to assume that these voice over types are still usable today and that the viewer won’t burst out laughing.
However, the film seems to have a solid story behind it and that is crucial. There’s love, comradeship, all those elements that speak to people, unless you are made of stone, are present. But the voice over is so patronising and grotesque that I fear it could alienate the majority of movie goers.
Though the story may work, it is a bit sappy (cue montage of people jumping and hugging). It is a bit fluffy. And definitely aiming for Oscar-nods. It really milks the family aspect. And it is gross. The distribution company is aiming at the wrong target audience. The people who fall for the family stuff don’t need to choke on it. If I were in their shoes, I would try and sell it to the unlikely crowd.
A solid story, but an awful trailer.
UK release date: 14th January 2011
RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE
More often than I would like to admit, I find myself at a loss for words. This tends to be a bad thing as I really want to let others know to what extend I mean something. But sometimes, less is really more.
It is easier to rant about something you dislike than celebrate something you love, as you fear you may not do it justice. This is one such case.
The plot for Rare Exports takes place in Finland, where a group of British scientists accidentally dig into the residence of Mr Santa Claus himself. Found by a group of Finnish hunters, he is captured.
The trailer starts out dark, a bit like The Thing. But it soon turns into a truly original, clever story; terrifying but funny at the same time.
The trailer’s not exactly original. It merely condenses a 90-minute story in two minutes. Nothing special. But the plot made me want to watch it again. It is an atypical, kooky attempt at a Christmas film.
The graphics deliver the ultimate punch to this film. The line “Forget everything you know about Santa” is glorious. Not to mention the tagline “This Christmas everyone will believe in Santa Claus”.
If you like Scandinavian films, you’ll love this, I’m sure. It looks like a dark adventure film, with great style and personality.
Call me naïve, but I like it.
UK release date: 3rd December 2010
Louise-Afzal Faerkel
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