Directed by Gavin Hood.
Starring Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.i.am, Lynn Collins, Kevin Durand, Dominic Monaghan, Taylor Kitsch and Ryan Reynolds.
SYNOPSIS:
Wolverine is enlisted in the Weapon X project.
And here was me thinking X-Men: The Last Stand was the worst film ever made. People make claims like that a lot, to the extent where it’s an almost redundant statement. It’s too subjective a criticism, so the immediate reaction is to take claims like that with a pinch of salt. However, Wolverine is the worst film ever made.
That’s evaluated purely on ‘how-much-it-disappointed-me’ criteria. Obviously, there are worse films out there. Cheaply made, plot-holed nonsense. But in subjective terms, Wolverine takes the faeces-stained mantle.
The film starts in Canada in 1845 with a young Logan (who will grow up to be Wolverine), and fast-forwards to the Vietnam War in a five-minute montage credit sequence. You know what might have been better? Care and considerate storytelling. How are you supposed to sympathise with characters introduced this way? The film rushes through various wars in which Wolverine and his brother have fought. The teasing of Wolverine in the Civil War or World War I, even Vietnam, makes the mouth water. Instead we get a present day narrative.
The cool thing about Wolverine is that neither you nor he knows how old he is. It brings a tormented mystery to the character. Yet here’s an answer to that question, the money shot revealed in the first scene. Granted, the name of the film includes the word ‘Origins’, but there are other, more inventive ways to go about addressing such. And this is the fundamental flaw to the entire project – the filmmakers don’t understand their protagonist.
First off, he smiles way too much. Wolverine is a badass. He should smile rarely, if ever. He should not smile at a wiseguy’s jokes. He should not appear at peace with himself at any point. But the filmmakers attempt to tame him, dress him up in one of those humiliating motion capture suits like some wild beast of a man being forced to wear a tie.
Secondly, every scene feels like some terrible cliché, like the film is making fun of itself. After the botched opening montage, Wolverine is shown settled down with a lady in some remote cabin and it’s all perfect and very nice, and you just know that someone’s gonna come along and kill her and make Wolverine do just One. Last. Job. Watching Wolverine could fool you into thinking you’re developing mutant powers of premonition yourself. Each scene can be predicted from the first few seconds of dialogue and/or setting. The lady is a schoolteacher, by the way. Of course she is. You wouldn’t want to waste time by making her a sympathetic character through things like actions and relationships. Nope, just mention she’s a school teacher. It’s as good as the “he had one day left till retirement” routine.
The dialogue is self-effacing. Every line feels forces and cheesy. “Well, well, well – look what the cat dragged in” is an actual line in this movie.
And the reason they do this is because the filmmakers obviously don’t care about any of their characters. That’s why they’re given such throwaway fragments of dialogue. The characters are just filler and models around which action sequences can be built. And that would be fine if it were any other character, but it isn’t. This is Wolverine’s origin story. He’s Marvel’s Batman, and he could have been a huge draw if he were done right. Darren Aronofsky wouldn’t be tempted to superhero films by any old player and it’s a shame he’s no longer involved in the sequel.
There’s so much wrong with Wolverine. It’s a truly appalling film and insults the intelligence of anyone who gives it his or her time. But there’s still the danger that this review might be read and someone will say, “oh, it can’t be that bad. Most of what he’s written is subjective. Perhaps he had a bad day. Perhaps we have different tastes in film. I like X-Men anyways. Surely I’m the sort of guy or girl the filmmakers had in mind when…”
So let us deal in cold, hard facts. Will.i.am is in this film. The guy from Black Eyed Peas. Was he seriously the best person for that role? Did the filmmakers really respect their characters so much that they searched for a great character actor? No. Will.i.am got the role because he’s Will.i.am.
And that sums X-Men Origins: Wolverine up.
Ghastly.
RATING: NO STARS
Oli Davis
365 Days, 100 Films
Movie Review Archive
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